Robbers, masked men and hysteria
I’ve had a really bad night and I mean REALLY bad….I nearly started tapping away here at 4.33am, but I thought the robbers and masked men in the house might hear me.
My husband had to leave for the UK last night, very last minute as he needs to sort out arrangements for a funeral. Everything was ok here until just after midnight. The children were asleep, I went to bed and then I realised that it was just me in charge of my children. If anything happened, I was boss. Usually if there is anything suspicious my husband gets up and takes charge, he’s a lot bigger than me and looks more moody. Last night I began to realise that if a robber did come into the house then I wasn’t really prepared. I checked my nearest weapon which was a pillow. I’m pretty good at pillow fights and I’m convinced that I am a black belt karate expert even though I’ve never had a lesson beacuse I have seen a few Lara Croft films. Every noise became a potential threat and I have clearly been overdosing on my serial killer books as I just could not get to sleep for thinking that there were not just one, but several serial killers in the house after my family. At one point a sinister Morrocan man was gasing my children to send them into a coma. Only it wasn’t, it was one of the children spraying a mosquito above their bed with fly spray. Then I heard a scary Spanish man clambering over our balcony wall, clearly he had broken into next door and was now about to come into our bedroom. Only it was just some leaves blowing about on the terrace. I heard Jack the Rippers relative creeping outside and knocking a cat bowl over. I heard it smash so he must have been huge and clumsy. I may have a chance armed with a pillow, but it was just a stray cat near the front door. Unless it was not a cat but a werewolf…..Clearly I needed help and not just a psychiatrist. So I decided to create a silent, panic room. I closed all the windows, closed all the doors and turned on the air conditioning as I was now very hot, sweaty and clearly delusional. The sound of the air con meant I coudn’t hear very much else. Finally I began to settle, curled over to my husband’s side of the bed and began to think about him. It was now around 5am and he had promised that when he landed at Gatwick he would ring me. I was worried as he had a 2 hour drive ahead of him when he landed, heading towards a stressful situation and his arrival time would have been around 2am. I hadn’t received a call or text. So now I was wondering if he had fallen asleep at the wheel and had been squidged by a Coca Cola lorry. I also began to wonder if Funeral Directors ever offer buy one get one free funerals, or 2 for 1 offers? I may need to take them up on it if they do.
So bleary eyed and worse for wear, but very glad to be alive. Lord knows what demons I’ll face tonight….I had thought that I’d try camping one day, but after last night, can you imagine what I’d be like? I would be seeing men with scissors slicing through my tent, monsters coming up from under the ground. I really should write a book one day and put my vivid imagination to some constructive use.
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